Martial Arts Fanfiction
by Bjorn C
Summary: It's not a selfinsertion fic. Really.


Martial Arts Fanfiction a Ranma 1/2 Spamfic by Bjorn you go to the bottom of the story, you'll find a disclaimer and acknowledgments. You should take them very seriously. They're also the only things you'll find here that you should take seriously.  
"I'm surprised you found the guts to show up, Saotome"  
"'Bout time you got here." Ranma bolted down the last of his lunch and got up, setting the box and chopsticks down by the base of the tree. He peered uncertainly at the short,  
bespectacled figure. "You sure about this"  
The weedy little boy struck a pose, tucking his yellow notepad under his arm and thrusting his ballpoint pen skyward. "Of course! I am... The Author! Master of Martial Arts Fanfiction Writing! And today, Ranma, you will taste utter defeat"  
Akane worriedly asked, "Really? I mean, no offense, but you don't look like much of a martial artist. And your school"  
"I am a martial artist"  
"Akane's right." Ukyo nodded. "C'mon, sugar, sit down,  
have an okonomiyaki. I'll give you ten percent off"  
"Shut up! Prepare yourself for: Note Blizzard!" The Author started to rip pages free from his notepad, each stained and covered in semi-obscene doodles. Then, with a grunt of effort, the sheets were launched forth, a veritable storm of potential paper cuts, obscuring everything beneath the tree.  
"Not so cocky now, are we?" The Author smirked.  
"Am I supposed ta be impressed?" Ranma asked.  
The smirk turned sickly, and The Author slowly turned in place. Behind him, perched on the statue of the principal,  
Ranma met his gaze quizzically while munching on a rice cracker.  
Shaking himself, The Author regained his bravado. "So!  
You're as good as they say. I'll have to use the heavy artillery"  
"Yeah, yeah," Ranma grunted. With a casual flip, he launched himself into an axe kick.  
Setting pen to paper, The Author announced, "Martial Arts Fanfiction Writing Special Attack: Viewpoint Shift"  
Gasping, Akane saw Ranma suddenly stumble and miss the kick as his target dodged to the side. Ranma saw a punch being cocked and turned to block it. As Ranma over-compensated and took the hit in the opposite kidney, Ukyo's brow furrowed. It hadn't been much of a punch at all. 'Heck'  
Hiroshi thought, 'I could have blocked that.' Barely fazed, Ranma turned the forward momentum into a leg sweep,  
but The Author somehow saw it coming. 'Too easy,' he gleefully thought, and stomped on the passing ankle.  
"You're right," Ranma snarled, "it is too easy." Then,  
raising his voice, he shouted, "Everybody! Shut your eyes and cover your ears"  
That made no sense to Ukyo. Still, as Akane complied with her fiance's command, she saw everyone following suit, and suddenly everything was clear to Ranma again. He grinned.  
"Anything Goes Counter-Attack: One Observer"  
The Author frowned at him. "Clever. Try this on: Special Attack: Plot Device"  
Suddenly, Ranma was driven to the ground as a bicycle landed on him. Dimly, through ringing ears, he could hear a cheery, "Nihao! Shampoo bring too-too delicious cursed ramen for Airen"  
There was a pause, then: "Why Shampoo say that"  
Spitting dirt, Ranma glared at his opponent. "What's the point of this? I get worse than that all the time, and she doesn't even have any ramen with her, cursed or not"  
The Author flicked the pen through an intricate series of loops before touching it to the pad again. "Ah, but this is only the beginning. Special Attack, Part Two: Biased Characterizations"  
Again, Ranma kissed the earth, this time under the weight of of a gargantuan wooden mallet. "RANMA! How dare you let Shampoo land her bicycle on you! PERVERT! I'll BEAT YOU TO DEATH"  
Ranma frantically tried to scramble away. "Akane! What's gotten into ya"  
The rim of the mallet began to smolder as Akane's battle aura surged to full life. "Oh, I just bet you'd love to 'get into me'! Now stand still and TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT"  
A giggling Author crept into the corner of Ranma's panicked eye, and inspiration struck. "Ya got it wrong!" He pointed at his foe, who started. "He called Shampoo here. He wants ta... ta... beat you! Yeah! Beat you and take you out on a date"  
Temporarily flustered, Akane looked from one to the other.  
"You mean," she started hesitantly, "you're both  
perverts"  
Now sweating, The Author flapped his hands at the short-haired girl. "Nonononono! He's lying! I'm not a pervert"  
The fires of war reached new heights in Akane's eyes.  
"Perverts always deny being perverted. So you must be a pervert!" The mallet, improbably, rose higher into the sky.  
"BOTH OF YOU DIE"  
Screaming like a little girl, The Author scratched out line after line on his pad, and the mallet disappeared. Suddenly imbalanced, Akane toppled over backwards, only to be caught by Ranma before she hit the ground. As he held his breath,  
she looked up at him and said, dazedly, "I feel really tense for some reason"  
Carefully, Ranma set his fiancee down, and then straightened. Cracking his knuckles, he stared his opponent down. "If that stupid trick was the best you got, get ready. 'Cuz all it did was make me really mad"  
"Ha! And how do you plan to do that when you suffer under:  
Gratuitous Japanese"  
"What?" Ukyo blinked, and turned to Akane and Shampoo.  
"Aren't ware ware speaking Nihongo already?" She blinked again. "What did watashi just say"  
"Shampoo think this baka. Nani"  
Obviously, Ranma decided, this was an attack designed to give victory by overwhelming headache. He charged forward.  
"Musabetsu Kakuto Saotome-Ryu," he winced, "Special Ken"  
and again, "Action Scene! Everybody, shut up"  
The Author gaped, but whatever he was about to say next was cut off as Ranma closed his jaw with a powerful uppercut.  
When he landed, he threw himself to the side barely in time to avoid Ranma's flying drop kick. A sudden barrage of punches were blocked by the yellow legal pad, at the price of almost half the pages lost, but he missed Ranma's side kick entirely and was driven to the ground. About to move in for the final blow, Ranma was caught off guard as The Author reached up and broke the pen in his face, temporarily blinding the martial artist with the spray of ink.  
Taking a chance that his speaking abilities were normal again, Ranma taunted, "Lots of fancy tricks, but no real skill, eh"  
Wheezing, The Author tried to straighten and failed. "Fool!  
You've brought this upon yourself. Taste the horror of the Martial Arts Fanfiction Writing Ultimate Attack:  
Self-Insertion"  
A pillar of blazing light descended from the heavens,  
forcing Ranma to throw an arm over his eyes. When the scorching illumination faded below his pain threshold, he squinted out to find The Author gone.  
In his place was a massive, incredibly handsome man, and the remaining light came from an opalescent glow off his flexing muscles. He was wearing something that vaguely resembled a gi, though it had obviously cost thousands of dollars, and in his hands he held a stained notepad and a now-broken pen.  
Throwing his tools to the ground, The Author boasted, "Now I'm a character in my own story! I'm Great High Grandmaster of more martial arts than you can count, am a genius, plus every girl wants to have wild hot monkey sex with me!  
Especially Nabiki, though I might have to pay her! You can never win now"  
"If he's a character now, what was he before?" Akane wondered.  
Ranma had only a moment to ponder whether it was manly to take aspirin during a challenge before The Author fell on him like a ravening beast. Using the full extent of his skill, Ranma still found himself overwhelmed. This metamorphosed foe was better than Cologne and Happosai together, and most of his punches were utterly invisible to Ranma's eye. As if to prove the point, Ranma found himself flying backwards with an ache in his ribs from apparently nothing.  
Gotta think, gotta think, he berated himself as The Author stalked forward. He's gotta have a weakness, just gotta.  
Right.  
With a groan, Ranma slumped to the ground. "Oh, there's no way I can win," he moaned theatrically. "Whatever shall I do"  
The Author threw back his head and roared with laughter.  
"Why, it's simple! All you have to do to beat me is mmmph"  
Eyes bulging, he slapped both hands over his mouth.  
Ranma threw himself back into battle with a smirk. This time, he was the only person throwing punches, and the Author was barely evading them. "That's right," he mocked,  
"I've read my share of fanfics, an' I know how it goes.  
Self-inserted authors," he connected with a spin kick,  
"always," and again with a horse punch, "fix everybody's problems"  
Jumping high into the air, Ranma descended. Faced with a choice between keeping his mouth covered and keeping his brains inside his skull, The Author raised his hands in a cross-arm block. Newly liberated, his mouth opened and words spewed forth. "All you have to do is admit you love Akane! Then all your problems will be solved"  
There was a dull smack as Ranma's foot met The Author's crossed forearms, and then, as the pigtailed martial artist lightly landed before his foe, silence fell. Shocked to his core, Ranma gaped at his foe, while the surrounding audience stared at them both.  
His voice caught as he started to speak. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "All I gotta do"  
"Is say you love her," The Author confirmed.  
There was another long pause before Ranma said, quietly,  
"That's gotta be the dumbest thing I ever heard"  
"W-what?" That was clearly not the response The Author expected. "I mean, really. Even if it was true -- and I'm not sayin'  
it is -- how would that fix my problems?" His voice started to rise. "D'ya think everybody else would just give up?  
Hell, it'd make things worse! Ryoga and Kuno trying to kill me, Shampoo and Kodachi trying to kill her, Ukyo probably trying to brain both of us, and our dads planning our wedding the whole way"  
"No, they'd"  
Ranma shouted him down. "And you!" he ranted. "We're in the middle of a fight! A fight you challenged me to.  
How's that supposed to work? You're just gonna say, 'Oh,  
it's love,' and stand there while I beat you senseless"  
"Uh... I guess I didn't really think that part through"  
Ranma shook his head, disgusted. "I'm outta here"  
It was now The Author's turn to gape at Ranma. "What?  
But... but... you can't"  
"Watch me," Ranma snorted. "You're an idiot, an' this is stupid. I got better things to do." He stalked off, and was soon lost to sight.  
Silence had ample opportunity to return to roost before Akane shook herself. "Ranma?" she whispered uncertainly.  
Ukyo shrugged. "Gone"  
The audience began to wander off, chatting amongst themselves. "But... he really just walked out on a challenge"  
"Yep. But, sugar, can you blame him"  
"Shampoo agree. Is too too stupid"  
The Author stared forlornly off after the now-vanished crowd, though his incredibly perfect physique made even that phenomenally sexy. He sighed. "This looked a lot better on paper"  
The End Ranma 1/2 copyright 1987, 1999 by Takahashi Rumiko.  
Publishing rights by Shogakukan Inc. (Japan) and Viz Inc. (North America) This work is not intended to infringe those rights, and is done without knowledge or consent of the rights holders.  
You should thank Ginrai, Gary Kleppe, and Douglas MacDougall, because without them, this one-hour fic would be even worse than it already is.  
Comments and criticism can be sent to and will be greatly appreciated. 


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